Sl-l-l-ide

Back from Open Gym at RRVGC, might become a weekly event, you never know. Ever observant of the traits that separate moms from "guys who call into radio shows", I'm a HUGE fan of moms everywhere. I've decided.

The fact that parents everywhere remind me of my brother (another parent whom I love), I had a chuckle or two as I reflected on the quirkiness of Mom-owned blackberries versus dude-owned iPhones. Just try to follow, because I can't.

So where was I, ah yes, BLENDS.

Damn! Shoulda chose medium.

Funniest story

FRONT PAGE NEWS, even. So, I'm like being a responsible parent at my children's school today, in the DAYLIGHT! Yes, what was it called again, here, let me pull out the BROCHURE. Right in the front of my theConservatives book, conveniently...ah yes, The Living Museum. By Patrick Allitt...no wait, that's the BOOK'S author, brochures from Living Museums are written by TEACHERS. Yes, that one.

In the NOOK, yup, the nook. Cuter than kindle, don'tcha think? totally

Guess who was living MODERN history? You'll never guess, don't even try.

THE SECOND DIABETIC!!! Played Bill Gates, I SWEAR TO GOD!!! Cutest little diabetic Bill Gates, or wait...who's Steve Jobs. And, what's the difference? It was Bill Gates, my nine year old re-informed me (I already knew, just testing his IQ).

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AND....even MORE RELEVANT....there was a "Black Hero"!!! Played by a WHITE CHILD. I burst out laughing, but didn't feel so alone because other parents let out a little laugh too. To make me feel better about being racist like them, I'm sure.

So, guess who the black hero was that didn't get the teach SUSPENDED. You probably already know, since society is built solely on conspiracies these days, that are TRUE! Well, I don't want to ruin it for you, so I'll just mention that he was homeschooled.

I don't know self, was the teacher paying homage to HOMESCHOOLING PARENTS on purpose? Being that everybody in that school LOVES our product. Successfully homeschooled children...even the ones who can't spell worth a shit (take my daughter as a prime example), best thing to ever happen to teachers who are used to being abused by both CHILDREN and PARENTS!

Parents, if I ever get started on THAT TANGENT...are CRUEL to teachers. So mean you don't even want to know. Which is why I'm EXTRA PROUD to have dumped the responsibility back onto them. All the PRAISE we get as parents of ex-homeschooled children...worth every regret. Of which there are none, actually.

None at all. So, where was I ahead of myself again? Can't remember.

So, thank you

You know how you have that place in your heart, being made of muscle and all, that doesn't want to sit still and be in peace just because you tell it to? Sometimes the imbalance reflects itself in your voice, like for me, there's an emptiness on the right-side that announces itself as gravelly.

Really annoying, but what can you do? Well for first, don't trust your imagination, because it will lead you down the most tangled of paths, confuse and destroy at its whim (no resting place, that's why). So you keep on walking, in the pain of no resting place, but what can you do?

Watch as many music videos as you can, I always say. Works for about half-a-day of "this is what peace might feel like"...if it lasted. Peace, with imbalance, can't last a whole day if it tried to. Almost easier to believe in the evil and let the pain hurt.

On a wider scale, like the WIDEST...our insides reflect the world outside. Whether a magi is confessing he practices voodoo with sticks, and the Christian who knows better says, "um, no...just won't agree to think so." Takes practice, but worth it so.

Tuned-in Catholics

Straight from my inbox, thanks to my BFF Jen. God's cake, not as good when you eat the ingredients all by themselves. And no, she doesn't read my blog.

She just intuits my needs, as did Katherine who I just ran into today. Pays $8,000 per kid for BRACES!!! Of course I asked whether she felt this was the price of the expertise or the product, and we both agreed...the expertise.

Sad for the furniture industry though, because even SHE admits her home would be much better furnished were it not for this ridiculous "necessity". Yes, I think I have a math book laying around here somewhere.

Aw screw it, I have THOUSANDS of women friends who regularly sacrifice furniture for other expenses, and they KNOW THIS about themselves. Weirdness abounds.

It appears Mindy shops at Walmart

What to do, what to do. Well, their televised advertising has improved, not that I'll ever step foot in that store except to buy Klarbrunn sparkling water. It has nothing to do with the greeters, Mindy...I love old people with a purpose.

It's just TOO BIG, but I don't want to get into that right now. Already I've realized that even I can't figure out what a Proust is for the life of me, refuse to learn French, and if I need to be told what an artist's role in society is...then just make me read Proust!

I refuse to, of course. Even the Wikipedia page was too long and boring. So Mindy,...no wait, too soon for that. Currently, I'm just ripping up all the calendars in my house because I HATE NUMBERS SO MUCH. And always will.

Melissa Mashburn left me a comment

Very smart girl. Yes, I have nothing better to do with my time than watch Sarah Silverman episodes and related propaganda. Of course, the irony presented on Demetri Martin's historically accurate programming, how can one even choose?

Perhaps as I blog on in my related columns, it will come to me.

Going fast...

I hate dot nets. Something about their inabilities to be blogspot that drives me absolutely insane, and WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT SALON.com, anyway? Never been there before, nor shall I try.

Talk about making a statement, in NYLONS no less. Unbeautiful Rebecca, highly reportable. So anyway, now that my angst is passing I'm disappointed to announce that I'm unable to link directly to Rebecca's current post on safe sex.

Well, less safe but still fun, right Rebecca? I'll just have to suggest you go on over to her site QUICKLY because by tomorrow, or later today even...there may be ANOTHER post. And believe me, if you miss this one...the one I cannot link to...

TOTALLY FIRED. And broke.

Melissa Mashburn has a lack of self esteem

Never met her before in my life. Happened upon her in Maria's comment section, where I fell back in love with the ever-popular "last blog I wrote" feature. The advertising had nothing to do with it Maria, but keep trying.

Holy crap, is this woman SUFFERING!!! Major depression, diabetes, anxiety disorder, AND asthma?!? Wonder which drug companies are catering to her door...at least four, I'd assume. Regardless, like most women (okay, all)...she's trying to forgive her mother and all the idiotic males who did not dial 1-800-flowers anywhere near enough.

I can totally relate, Melissa, to all of it. Even Sandy Bullock, I'm somewhat sure, has experienced SOME imbalances in her life. I mean just think, it probably took her YEARS to lose her German accent and convince her fake friends that she really is American. She's not.

And only speaks one other language, which is another flaw I'm sure we'll be hearing more and more about in the media. At least, I think.

Asha, um who?

It would be very sad if I forgot to pick my kids up from school, just hope everybody realizes this. And, if I never forgive Dana "Tea Party" Loesche...who probably has Google Alert on every possible misspelling of her last name, of which there are many...then I'm a better person for it.

Having conversations with all the fake moms on the planet takes time away from living, you know. And, we all know which I prefer...don't we? Very expensive hotels, very very expensive. Yes, Minneapolis is full of 'em. Stay there all the time...with my FAMILY!

Stay focused, it's me who's currently dizzy, none of the rest of you. Was I talking about Maria here, I cannot recall. I know I once talked about Maria non-stop, due to her commitment to crafting a functional website that's as advanced as blogspot could ever wish to be.

Plus, I was there when she went into labor (remember the pressure points?) Whole entire reason I was able to blog so soon after Cooper was born. Maria's swift recovery was my inspiration. And, her video commenting option.

Going out of business

Oh great. I've been kicked out of the library for downloading porn onto the Children's Computers. I'm sorry guys, I truly messed up.

I loved April

I just did. May, wasn't my best month ever.

A happily spent day

Began with baked apple something, with crumbs. Delish-us! Then, church. I sure hope everyone spends their Sundays at least TRYING to attend a nearby church. Ours is famous. Legendary, built of heroes, you betcha!

Sermon was all about friendships, and went further to mention the sacramental nature of such. I do love sacraments, and have never been so grateful.

Front and back

Congratulations to my guaranteed one-and-only

It was a ribbon-cutting, and you know how I love ceremonies !!! Yes, the business is officially recognized by the city, at least a new building and the songs were sung, the hats were tipped, spectacular!

Only thing, all my hopes are invested in my dreams for this business, and we're always growing, you know we and properties. Next thing, eco-friendly building, in our hometown !!!

So, stay-tuned as you watch my guaranteed one-and-only (there's only one) become his bestest, bestest self. Only described with better vocabulary. Good luck Christopher, and I promise all my promises to you...someday we'll totally own our own float plane.

I promise.