There's no loss

I don't like to be one of those complaining homeschooling moms, who breaks her stoic expression in a fit of reality crashing down, but from time to time I have to admit to myself that homeschooling is really hard. It's a marathon of hard, with many effortless sprints, but the grit-your-teeth truth of it, is it's a lifestyle that must be given full attention. Or else.

Justifications abound for why I stay on this difficult track, one glance at who my kids would be in the system, as opposed to their clean spirits safely outside of it, worth all the hard. I don't like who I'd be if I were traditionally obedient to the norms of society, blindly consuming "it's good for you" but knowing better. What I'm doing is better, but that doesn't mean it's not hard.

All I can depend on to keep things smooth flowing, is a clarified vision of what I'm attempting, confirmed by my hopes of what is possible. In between we do math. It's like, without my lifeline to spirit, without an easy-going life that allows me to follow where I'm led, education-wise, like into science books, and more math. Without that straight shot from "here I am" to "here we are going", the lifestyle gets fragmented, and so do I.

Fragmented homeschooling moms are the worst kind. Having spent the first three years deciding how I'll homeschool, primarily guarding myself from the pitfalls of "you'll fail", I know these things. I know what it takes to stay on course, despite how tempting it can be to give in...to just throw your kids into someone else's good enough hands, but not your own.

Not worth it. Not who I am, or will ever be.